


The Stuffy Paradigm

by Nutellargh



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Stuffed Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:35:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29500041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nutellargh/pseuds/Nutellargh
Summary: A random work inspired by a quote from https://incorrectsterekquotes.tumblr.com/
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Vernon Boyd & Derek Hale, Vernon Boyd/Erica Reyes
Comments: 30
Kudos: 118





	The Stuffy Paradigm

Derek sat on the couch in his loft waiting for Boyd to rejoin him after getting another bottle of werewolf-approved beer. In a surprise turn of events, they actually had time to sit down for some bro-time by themselves; Erica was at Lydia’s for girl’s night with Allison and Lydia (and wasn’t that just a nightmare waiting to happen), Isaac was with Scott at the vet’s office and Stiles decided to stay the night with the Sheriff (most likely to police the dinner choices on Sheriffs night off – that man had the patience of an angel).

“So, I gotta ask, what’s with the mini zoo on your bed?” asked Boyd, falling back down on the couch Derek was occupying.

“Oh, that… I’m actually surprised you waited this long to ask,” Derek responded, thinking back on how this even happened.

Stiles liked to blame this situation on the lack of furniture in the loft. In his room, all those damned stuffed toys were placed on shelves, cupboards, everywhere really, but somehow concealed enough that they weren’t an eyesore. Derek hadn’t even noticed them before they moved to his place. In Derek’s loft though, with the ‘minimalistic décor’ as Derek called it, he could not do the same and they stuck out like a sore thumb. There were no little nooks to stash them in. The answer? Put them all on the bed when it’s made up. When they were going to bed, they first had to go through the ordeal of putting all those animals away on clean patches on the floor next to the bed. And when they woke up, they had to rearrange them back on the bed. Rinse and repeat every day.

“Soooo…?” Came a prompt from Boyd, and Derek realized he forgot to actually answer the question, deciding instead to sit there and glare at the stuffies (at the giraffe specifically, the giraffe was a dick).

“Apparently Stiles has a stuffed animal collection,” he started, “and this collection goes wherever he does. Since he spends most nights here nowadays, so do they.”

Derek turned to pick his own beer up from the coffee table, pausing with his hand in the air. “…Are Stiles and I living together?” he asked.

Boyd choked and coughed up beer. “Are you for real right now?” he asked, still slightly choked, and definitely still teared up.

“We never discussed it! He’s in college, only comes back for breaks, it makes sense he sleeps here most of the time!” apparently deciding to prove that people adopt their significant others’ mannerisms, Derek flailed almost as bad as Stiles.

“Derek, man… there’s a difference between spending a lot of nights together and living together.”

“Well, what’s the difference then?”

“Does he have his clothes here?”

“He has his own drawer.”

“…Does that drawer get emptied when he goes back to college?”

“…No.”

“OK, does he keep more personal items here, apart from the stuffed nightmare patch?”

“I mean, just the essentials. You know, toothbrush, deodorant, shampoo, some books, his research board… oh, that flail from the Renaissance fair.”

“…I am gonna skip right the fuck past that Renaissance fair, we swore to never speak of it again. OK, so he spends most of his time when he’s in town here, keeps his clothes here, and keeps memorabilia here? You also changed your grocery habits to accommodate him. I know you pay $37 for his special ground coffee. Not only are you living together, you’re totally whipped, man.”

Derek still sat at the edge of the couch where he moved to grab his beer. He stared off into the distance with a thousand-yard stare, ignoring the glances Boyd kept shooting at him. He took an excruciatingly slow sip of his beer, still staring into nothing, thinking about what they just talked about. Boyd settled back against the couch, watching the game that was playing in the background. 

“You know what the worst part is?!” He suddenly exploded, startling Boyd into spilling beer down his shirt.

“No, please, enlighten me,” came the gruff response, accompanied with the sound of Boyd trying to slap the beer stain away.

“It’s not just that we have to arrange forty stuffed animals every time we make the bed. It’s that they must be in an extremely specific order, like Blinky and LouLou can’t sit next to each other because ‘they have history’. And you want to know the sick part? I want to know what it is!”

A prerecorded cricket soundtrack would be appropriate at that point, as Derek’s tirade was met with stony silence. Derek and Boyd just stared at each other for a few minutes, Derek evidently waiting for some vindication from Boyd, while Boyd processed everything he just heard. At last, he finished buffering, and quietly said “Dude, you even learned their names.” Somehow, Derek didn’t feel vindicated.

“EMERGENCY!!!” Across town, Stiles has burst into the Martin home with a great shout (he knew Lydia’s parents were away, although it is unclear whether he would have been stopped by something so trivial as ‘manners’ had they been home). The girls were already waiting for him in the living room; after all, it was Stiles who called for the girl’s night.

“Out with it, Stilinski, we’ve been waiting for you to finish dinner with your dad for two hours. We all already had three daiquiris”, came Lydia’s reply from her corner of the couch, where a manicure station was set up. Pedicure was occupied by Allison, and Erica had the face masks locked down. Stiles plopped down next to Erica, immediately being assaulted by having some seaweed wonder paste slapped on his face.

“Yeah, OK, remember how we all thought it would be hilarious to piss Derek off by gathering all the stuffed animals we had and playing it off as though I had some major emotional attachment to them, so they absolutely had to be on Derek’s bed?” some of Stiles’ question came out muffled, as he could barely move his mouth while Erica applied the face-paste-thing to his upper lip, “We all expected that there would be a breaking point where he threw them all away, gave them away to charity, straight up burned them and performed a cleansing ritual to never be assaulted by stuffed rabbits again! And yet, woe is me, that point has not come. Furthermore, officer, the only questions he’s asked so far were about the specific order in which we arrange them every day, as though I didn’t pull that order out of my ass! It’s been going on for over a year now! I have gotten away with saying things like ‘they have history’ or ‘their aura isn’t compatible’ and that was fine, I got a million of those stuffed, heh, get it, stuffed? away for a rainy day, but apparently this is not good enough for our esteemed alpha; he now wants to know the details! What possible history could a stuffed zebra and a stuffed giraffe have?!”

The next day, when getting ready for bed, Derek and Stiles were following their nightly tradition of moving the stuffed animals to the floor.

“Boyd asked me about all these last night,” Derek started, “and I realized you never actually told me the history between Binky and LouLou.”

“Oh!” Stiles exclaimed, turning away quickly to take a quick, calming breath. He can do this, they practiced it and perfected it while Lydia was doing his nails. “OK, so, I got Binky from one of the officers when I was, like, seven or something, and I already had LouLou. I loved the contrast of Binky-zebra with LouLou-giraffe, so for a while I carried those two together everywhere, and they essentially became a married couple, you know? They were together always, they complimented each other so well, the contrast only highlighting their best qualities. But then, I kept getting more and more stuffies and a lot of them were with the same color scheme as Binky. Plopy the penguin came first and suddenly LouLou was always with him, then Morticia the Bat with those weird white dots, and finally Pam the Panda. At some point, Binky had enough, you know? I mean, they had children by this point! And LouLou just straight up ignored them all, spending her day jumping from one black and white animal to another, only joining Binky and their kids when it was time for sleep. So, Binky packed up her things and moved to live with Hedwig, but they’re purely platonic, Hedwig just helps her out since it’s hard for a zebra with three kids. She’s actually happy now, and LouLou tried to keep it up with all the other black and white animals for a while but of course they found out about each other. They ended up creating a somewhat of a support group and became friends, kicking LouLou out but sticking with each other. They can’t be close to Binky though, since it still hurts her when she remembers what LouLou did when she looks at Plopy, Morticia or Pam; and Hedwig is mad supportive and loyal, to the point she actually gets aggressive with those three. So, Binky stays with Hedwig; Plopy, Morticia and Pam stay together, but have to be separated from Binky and Hedwig, so we have Leon the Chameleon between them; and all five of them need to be away from LouLou, so she stays two rows behind them, so they don’t have to look at her, with the lion pride, with Simba and Nala.”

If talking was an Olympic sport, Stiles would win all three spots on the podium. Derek stood there just staring at him while holding an alligator in one hand, and a ferret in the other. He blinked slowly, then turned to look at LouLou.

“I knew the giraffe was a dick.”


End file.
